WITCH!
Witch
A Comedic Musical Written by Matthew Weinstein

Shnitza-It's time to cause mischief!
Witza-It's time to do bad things!
Telia-It's time...to use the bathroom! I'll be right back!
Witch-Oh that Telia.
Kratz-So Witch, where are we going tonight for haunting?
Shnitza-Well?
Witza-You did get a place right?
Witch-Of course dears!
Telia-UGH! (Off)
Kratz-Telia, keep it down in there! And don't flood the bathroom again like in the last millennium! We need to hire a plunger!
Telia-Ok! Sorry!
Shnitza-Don't mind her!
Witch-Yeah, you want to know why? (All nod) She wasn't potty trained until she was 3000 years old!
All- (Laughter)
Telia- (Flushing noise) I'm back from the bathroom! (Runs on stage) Witch, where are we going to haunting?
Witza-Yeah, where?
Shnitza-Tell us now!
Witch-we're going to China!
Shnitza-China?
Witch-Yes, China my pretty.
Telia-Wouldn't we have to go during our morning?
All except Telia-Of course you idiot!
Song: AT DAWN
TELIA-AT DAWN WE'LL STRIKE IN THE MIDST OF NIGHT!
KRATZ-WE'LL SCARE THE PANTS OFF OF ALL THOSE KNIGHTS!
WITZA-WITH FIREBALLS WE'LL STRIKE AT DAWN...AT DAWN!
WITCH-AT DAWN IT'LL TURN INTO NIGHT, WE'LL STRIKE WITH TERROR IN EYES!
SHNITZA-I CAN'T BELIEVE WE'RE WAISTING ALL OUR TIMES TRYING TO MAKE UP RHYMES!
ALL-AT DAWN, IT'LL TURN TO NIGHT! THEN, WE'LL ATTACK! WE'LL SCARE THEM OUT OF THIER OWN...UNDERWEAR! AT DAWN!!!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Telia-Wait, wouldn't we have dig?
Witch-Let's go!
(Grab Shovels/walk off/Blackout)
Mom-Good night son!

Dad-Yes, good night

Kid 1-Night mom, night dad!
Kid 2-Good night all.
Witch-(is outside of the house) House one, boogah boogah!
Kid 1-AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Kid 2-What?
Kid 1-I saw a witch!
Kid 2-It was only a tree! Go to sleep.
Kid 1-Okay...but what's that behind you?
Kid 2-Nothing, probably a shadow or... (turns and sees witches who have snuck in) WITCHES!!!
Both-AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Mom-Boys keep it down...down...down...WITCHES! AHHH!!
Dad-Honey...be...be...be...WITCHES! (Screams like a little girl)
Family- AHHHHHHHHHHH! Witches-(Laughter)
(Blackout)
Shnitza-Did you see the look on her face?
Witza-Who? The mom or the dad?
All-(Laughter)
Telia-I can't believe we scared that many people all at once!
Kratz-Yeah, but why were they screaming, and scared, when we hardly did anything?
Witch-It was your nose!
Kratz-No, your butts twin!
Witch-Well you're so ugly, you make Michael Jackson look good! And that's saying somethin'!
Shnitza-Oh, she got you!
Witza-Oh yeah!
Telia-My poo is better looking than you!
Witch-Now THAT was good!
Kratz-(cries)
Witch-No! Don't cry! You'll-(she melts)-melt yourself.
Telia-Woah!
Witza-She died.
Witch-(She says it like nothing happened) Oh-no...so, do you want to go to India next?
Shnitza-Too Indian!
Witch-Taiwan?
Witza-to Taiwanese!
Witch-Mexico?
Telia-Too Mexican!
Witch-Then where should we go?
Witza-Europe!
All-Yeah!
("Europe" is not in this script)

(Blackout)
Shnitza-Which country should we go to first?
Witch-(in an English accent) England my dear!
Telia-Why there?
Witch-I needed a pit stop! Come on girls, let's get a hot dog!
Victim 1-AHHHHHHHHH!!! Witches!
Victim 2-No, it’s Godzilla!
Victim 1-OOO, where?
Victim 2-There!
Victim 1-No, that’s a billboard of Godzilla.
Victim 2-Well then that means there are really w, w, w, WITCHES!
Both-AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Witch-Is my face really that ugly?
Shnitza-The world may never know.
Witch-Shut up you jellybean eater!
Witza-(gasp)
Telia-That must have been very insulting…
Shnitza-It was you water drinker!!!
Witch-Hush up girls! We need to go other places.
Shnitza-Hey Telia, you got a little ketchup there. I’ll just wipe it off with some water!
Telia-No!! Not the face! AHHHHHHHH!! (Melts)
Witza-It’s the apocalypse! Run for your life! (She runs off)
Witch-Witza Stop! Come back! (Points at nose) This is all your fault!
(BLACKOUT)
Witch-Witza, Witza, where on earth are you?
Good Witch-Stop!
Witch-(Runs past her and pushes her) Get out the way!
Good Witch-Okay! I like dolls and talking about random things! It’s really odd-d-d-d-d!!
Witch-Have you ever gone to war?
Good Witch-Yes I have! Why?
Witch-What’s your favorite phrase from war?
Good Witch-I don’t have one.
Witch-Well mine is…fall back…fall back!
Good Witch-Okay! (Falls) OW!!
Witch-Good-bye miss literal!
Good Witch-Wait! Could you, well, uh, help me up?
Witch-NO!
Good Witch-Please!
Witch-Well, maybe, uh…NO!!!
Good Witch-But, but, but…
Witch-My answer still is no!
Good Witch-But I hurt my back…and I (breathe) think (breathe) I’m (breathe) Having (breathe) an (breathe) asthma (breathe) attack!! (She gasps for air)

Witch-No!
Good Witch-But I’m dying!
Witch-Who cares?
Good Witch-Well you’re not very nice!
Witch-Well, what did you expect? I’m a Witch. Who’d you think I was? Santa Claus?
Good Witch-Well uh…yes.
Witch-Will you shut up and help me find someone if I help you up?
Good Witch-What’s in it for me?
Witch-I just told you!!!
Good Witch-Told who what?
Witch-Oh my great water drinker, this is hopeless!!! I’m outta here! (stomps off stage left)
Good Witch-(stands up with ease) Well good riddance to you too! (Stomps off stage right)
(BLACKOUT)
Witch-Shnitza?
Shnitza-Yes, that’s my name!
Witch-What was the purpose of you killing Telia?
Shnitza-She was getting on my nerves
Witch-That doesn’t mean you have to go around killing people…or witches!!!
Shnitza-well I’ve made a new friend who loves the new me!
Witch-Who?
Shnitza-(whistles) Ma’am, I’d like you to meet my boyfriend, the DEVIL!
Witch-Oh, crud!
Devil-Hello ma’am! (the devil turns out to be a dork. Witch is shocked…horrifying music plays and he walks on small and geeky)
Witch-uh, how do you do?
Devil-Fine you?
Witch-Same…Shnitza, how is he your boyfriend?
Shnitza-Watch…how dare you call me a water drinker!
Witch-But I didn’t call you a…a…a…
Devil-Roar! (Shoves her to the ground)
Witch-Ow! I didn’t even call you a water drinker!
Devil-She said it again!
Witch-Water drinkers DE-SPELL!!
Devil-(Becomes geeky) E=MC2, but what would happen if x 2 y and y = 2 but z = y?
Witch-Back to normal!
Shnitza-How can you tell?
Devil-She’s right, and I am tearing us apart!
Shnitza-NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (Runs off)
Devil-Can you make me hot?
Witch-NO!
Devil-Water Drinker!
Witch-Frog!!!
Devil-ribbit…

Witch-Never push love, with a witch!
(BLACKOUT)
Angel-I am an Angel! Helper of God, the rival of the Devil.
Witch-Who cares?
Good Witch-I do!
Angel-Not her!
Witch-You know her?
Angel-Know her, she’s uh, my, uh, my mother…
Witch-What the heck? Your mother? Man Europe is wack!
Angel-Yeah, in know. And yes she is my mother…
Good Witch-I’m not just any mom. I’m super MOM!!!
Angel-Can it! I know where you friends are.
Good Witch-They’re up your butt!
Witch-Thank you…wait, WHAT!?!?
Good Witch-Heh, heh, heh! Just kidding.
Angel-They’re being sent to Witch Court!
Good Witch-NOOOOOOOOOOO!
Witch-Why does it matter to you?
Good Witch-Why does what matter to who?
Angel-Mom, SHUT UP!
Good Witch-whose mom?
Angel-YOU!
Witch-Oh my Great Water Drinker! Dipped Lips!
Good Witch-(Sounds like she’s talking but can’t)
Angel-Finally, you’ve done what I have wanted to do my whole life. Back to Witch Court…the prosecutor is the Devil!
Witch-(Laughter)
Angel-What?
Witch-The Devil! He’s hypnotized as a frog. There’s no way he’s that bad.
Angel-And it gets worse! He went to College!
Witch-AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! Not College! Please not college! Say it ain’t so!
Angel-Oh, I’m afraid it’s so. And it gets worse! They’re in…in…in…
Witch-What?
Angel-White dresses
Witch-Oh-No! Please no more!
Angel-We have to go!
Witch-NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!
(Gets dragged off by ANGEL, BLACKOUT)
Devil-I call Telia to the stand.
Telia-Fine.
Devil-Telia, is it true that you scare people?
Telia-Yes, yes it is.
Devil-And is it true that you work with Witch?
Telia-Yes

Devil-And is it also true that everyday you go to the bathroom?
Telia-Oh-yeah!
Devil-Well guess where all that goes! On my head! Your honor I, oh wait, we don’t have a judge.
Witch-Yes, we do! (Walks on from off) Me!
Devil-She’s hot so hot. Yet so evil!
Witch-Devil, do us all a favor…
Devil-Does it involve kissing?
Witch-NO!
Devil-What might it be then?
All-SHUT UP!
Telia-Can I go to my seat?
Witch-Yes. There’s no point in having my dearest friends be judged!
Devil-You didn’t go to college did you?
Witch-That’s none of your business! We need to get Shnitza here! Telia and Kratz, should be set free! And since I’m the judge, I accept this, well thing. (Slams hammer) I’ve always wanted to do that!
Telia-Shnitza is the evil one! She killed me!
Kratz-Shnitza and the rest of you made me cry myself to death. I melted, which is kind of funny…
Witch-No you didn’t. Watch this video found. Shnitza secretly threw water at you. Shnitza is the villain!! And we have to find her!
Devil-I’ll help you find her. Even if it takes the ribbit…ribbit…ribbit!
Witch-Now, Angel will go with Kratz. Good Witch with Devil and Telia’s with me.
Witza-Wait…! ...You forgot me!
Witch-Witza, where the heck were you?!?!
Witza-After I ran all that time; I got a hot dog just like you said.
Witch-Oh my goodness, you’re strange. You’ll come with me and Telia so we can capture Shnitza!
Witza-Hooray!
(BLACKOUT)
CHASE SCENE
(KID 1 AND KID 2 WALK ON.
TELIA, KRATZ, AND WITZA WALK ON AND SCARE THEM OFF.
ANGEL, GOOD WITCH, AND DEVIL WALK ON AND DISIPLINE THEM (WAVE FINGER AND YELL)
VICTIM 1 AND 2 WALK ON AND TALK ABOUT GODZILLA, THEY SPOT SHNITZA AND CHASE AFTER HER.
MOM AND DAD SCREAM LIKE LITTLE GIRLS AND CHASE AFTER HER.
SHNITZA COMES ON AND RUNS IN ANOTHER DIRECTION.
EVERYONE BUT WITCH CHASE HER.
WITCH IS IN A BEAUTIFUL BLACK DRESS AND IS “FLYING”.
SHE DIVES TO SHNITA AS SHE IS CHASED BY THE CAST.)

Witch-That’ll teach you not to go around killing people!
All-WITCHES!

Witch-Alright! Give me the water!
Shnitza-Please no, not the water!
Witch-It’s what you deserve!
Shnitza-Awh man! (Real water pours on her and she dies)
All-Hooray she’s dead!
Witch-And that’s that!
THE END!

GOSSIP!
GOSSIP
By Matt and Nikki
------------------------------------Overture-----Gossip----------------------------------------
Amy-When life is a bore...you should know what to do!
All-Talk about Gossip!
Amy-Yes you should! It's all like a chat room online!
All-Talk about Gossip!
Amy-You know it's the place to start...because it's Gossip!
All-Gossip gossip gossip! Gossip gossip gossip! Gossip...Yeah!
Amy-We'll talk Gossip! Cause it's the way to go!
All-Go ask Amy why! She's the starter of it all!
Amy-Oops! -Spoken- maybe I should stop-naeh!
All-Talk Gossip! It's the way to go! So...go...and
Amy-Tell it to the world!!!!!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Girls Bathroom
Mauri-Hey girls!
Girls-Hi Mauri!
Julie-how is everyone’s everyday life?
Amy-Gossipalisious!
All-(laughter)
Amy-Hey you know what?
Debbie-What?
Amy-I have some juicy gossip today.
Mauri-Who's it about?
Julie-Is it about Professor G?
Amy-No. It's about that geek Tod in Science.
Mauri-What about him?
Amy-He likes Jenn in Math.
Julie-Ha! She's got triple the amount of popularity than that loser!
Amy-I know!
Debbie-Don't make fun of him because he’s smarter than you!
Amy-Well then do you have any gossip to share with us Debbie?
Debbie-Well...uh...no.
Amy-Then what are you doing here?
Debbie-Fine, I'll just go to Lunch.
Mauri-Hey guys it's getting pretty late, we should go to get some lunch too.
Julie-Are you just going to comfort your stupid best friend?
Mauri-She's not stupid! She's way more intelligent than you two combined!
Julie-Oh really...
Mauri-what's the square root of 7?
Julie-Uh...um...Amy...a little help!
Amy-I don't know! I suck like heck in math!
Mauri-7 doesn't have a square root. You guys really do suck at math!
Julie-Well at least we're more prettier than you are!
Mauri-You know what...I'm going to lunch. Debbie, wait up! (Runs out door until off stage).
Amy-Who does she think she is? Messing with me? I'm perfect! I'm...wait!
Julie-What?
Amy-Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
Julie-Probably not...but what are you gonna do?
Amy-We can do anything to mess with her! We're smarter than she is...
Julie-No, we didn't even know that 7 didn't have a fricken square root!
Amy-No! We're smarter with our Gossip!!!
Julie-Oh! So what are we goin' to do?
Amy-Well we have to do something bad! Something evil...something...GOSSIPILISIOUS!!!
Julie-Forget about lunch! And besides they only have their crappy pizza today! And we have to study...our Gossiping!!!
Both-(Evil Laughter)
(END SCENE)
Football Field
John-Alright Gentlemen, get that heart pumping! We have the big game in a couple days, so we've got to get those plays perfect.
Richard-Come on, we've been working for a while John! It's too hard. If I do anymore, I'll pass out.
John-Oh well. Do you want to make it to the championships or not?
Peter-Guys, stop complaining. Hey, Paul, what are you doing?
Paul-I'm not doing this.
John-Come on! Drop and give me 50!
Paul-Sorry, I’m broke...
John-50 push ups genius!
Paul-I'm not doing it!
John-Well you should get started on them shouldn't you?
Paul-The hell with it. I quit!
John-You can't quit! We've came too far to have you quit now.
Paul-Too bad. I want to act!
John-Acting is for losers! You can't do this! We need you for the championships!
Peter-Let him go! He can do what he wants.
Richard-In fact I know what he wants to do. He wants to ask Amy out!
John-Well it's too late for that. It's me that's going out with her.
Richard-No! It's a rumor. A.K.A...Gossip!
Peter-Oh! That makes perfectly good sense!
John-Spread the word! We're gonna make Paul regret he ever quit my football team! Now, go!
(END OF SCENE)
Mauri’s Bedroom
Mauri-Debbie, I'm sorry about what happened to you today with those whores.
Debbie-No biggy. We all know that they suck, like suck at everything.
Mauri-Yeah except gossiping.
Debbie-Why can't they just leave us alone?
Mauri-They're girls and they don't know when enough is enough.
Debbie-You know when I said that I was going to get lunch, I actually went to...go try out for cheerleading.
Mauri-Oh don’t feel bad. There's always next year.
Debbie-I made the team.
Mauri-That's funny, I thought you said you made the team.
Debbie-I did!
Mauri-O...oh.
Debbie-Don't tell anyone. I want it to be a surprise for that bitch Amy.
Mauri-Okay, I won't tell a single soul.
Debbie-Pinky swear?
Mauri-Pinky swear!
Debbie-You're my best friend Mauri!
Mauri-I know!
Debbie-(They hug as best friends as the audience laughs at the joke). Hey, you want to get a drink at the Diner?
Mauri-Sure!
Debbie-We better hurry if we wanna catch the early bird special!
(They grab their coats and head out the door. As they walk off stage Julie who has snuck in, and she reveals herself from under the bed. She overheard the conversation and starts to laugh. She then goes to the window, unlocks it, continues to laugh, and climbs out of the window.)
Julie-Amy's Kitchen, here I come!
(END OF SCENE)
----------------------------------------Gossip Reprise----------------------------------------------------
Amy-Life is no longer a bore...because of the Gossip!!!
Julie-Yeah, Debbie, she's on the squad...who knew...that deep inside her was a side we never knew!
Amy-We used Gossip!
Julie-Now there's nothing left to do...
Amy-(spoken) yes, actually, there is!
Julie-(spoken) What?
Amy- (sung) (She raps) First, we’ll gather the group. Next, we’ll tell them the news. Then we’ll sit back and watch!
Julie-Watch what? (Spoken)
Amy-The Gossip! (Sung) It's the only way to go! Gossip, it's never let us down!
Julie-So, we've, got to...
Amy- Talk Gossip..
Both-Yeah!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Amy’s Kitchen “The Diner”
Mauri-Hey look, there's Amy and Julie...and Paul!
Debbie-Mauri, question. If you hate Julie and Amy so much, why are you saying, (in funny girly voice), "Hey look, there's Amy and Julie!"?
Mauri-They're waving for me to come over. Be right back. (She walks over to them) What do you guys want?
Amy-We overheard a story from a little birdie (they wink at each other). And we heard from this “birdie” that something has happened to Debbie.
Julie-Debbie, come here. How's cheerleading coming?
Debbie-What are you guys talking about? Um, uh, a, I didn't start cheerleading.
Julie-Yes you did.
Amy-We heard from a little birdie.
Debbie-Mauri, you said you wouldn't tell anyone!
Mauri-But, I didn't tell anyone! I don't know how they found out!
Debbie-Shut the hell up! You suck more than they do! (Runs out crying).
Mauri-Debbie, wait! (She runs off after her).
Amy-We got her good!
Julie-We sure did!
Amy-Hey everyone, milkshakes on me!
Julie-It's good to be us!
Amy-Sure is!
Julie-Thank GOD for Gossip!
Both-(Evil Laughter)
(END OF SCENE)
Debbie-I can’t believe that bitch! Mauri, my best friend! She was the person that told? My life is fricken over! I can’t believe this shit! That whore! UCK! How dare she have the fricken nerve to torture me like this? She will pay for my embarrassment. But how? How can I get back at her? How can I ruin her life and everything in it?
(On the other side of the stage is Amy’s Kitchen. While Debbie freezes, Amy and Julie start a conversation.)
Amy-Did you see the look on her face? She like totally flipped out! She actually believed it!
Julie-Yeah! I feel proud that we’ve accomplished something big! So, let’s celebrate! Free food all day!
Amy-What are you doing? My Great Grandma’s restaurant is no going to have free food all the time! (To crowd) Just kidding!
Julie-Well sorry little miss perfect!
Amy-Are you mocking me?
Julie-No, not at all…hey everyone! Spread the word! Amy is going out with Tod!
Amy-Shut the heck up! (Slaps her)
Julie-Oh no you didn’t! (They break into a slapping fight as we go back to Debbie)
Debbie-I’ve got it! I’ll start gossiping about her and then everyone will laugh at her humiliation! It’s the perfect plan! (Tries to an evil laugh). I can’t be evil! Oh-well! Hahahahahaha!!!
Mauri- (knocks on her door) Debbie, it’s me! I have to talk to you!
Debbie-Go away!
Mauri-Please…you’re my best friend! I will never have a friend again as good as you.
Debbie-Oh don’t give me that crap!
Mauri-Please let me come in your room!
Debbie-What’s so important that you really have to tell me?
Mauri-I won’t tell you until you let me in!
Debbie-Fine! Come in! (Que. To enter)
Mauri-I didn’t tell Amy and Julie that you made the cheerleading squad. I guess they just found out somehow.
Debbie-Then tell me, how’d they find out?
Mauri-I don’t know. I just don’t know.
Debbie-Well then I suggest you leave my house and my life since you have no proof and embarrassed me in front of everyone at the Diner!!!
Mauri-You know what, I’m sick of your crap!
Debbie-I’m sick of you! Now get out of my house!
Mauri-All right. Good bye. And Debbie…
Debbie-What do you want?
Mauri-I’m sorry.
(END SCENE)
Richard-The word has been sent and the whole school now knows Paul’s “secret”!
John-I know! This is hilarious!! I can’t wait until Amy hears. Then she’ll totally kill him!
Amy- (She storms in) Where is Paul?
John-He’s in the auditorium practicing his audition for the school play “Annie”.
Amy-He’s going down!
John-(as she runs off stage right, John continues to talk to the guys) what I tell you! She’s gonna smack him! Let’s go down there and see!

(The scene changes as they walk about. Auditorium)
Amy-Paul! Come here!
Paul-What do you want? I’m practicing!
Amy-You’re talking to me! Now!! Get your butt over here!
Paul- (he walks over) What do you want?
Amy-Shut up and kiss me!

(The football players walk in.)

John-What the hell? Amy, what are you doing with that loser?
Amy-He loves me!
Paul-I do?
Amy-Yeah, you said it yourself to the guys on the football team!
Paul-Guys, did you have anything to do with this?
Players- (No, not at all, etc.)
Amy-Come on Paul, we’re leaving!
John-So what? You’re just going to leave me here or something?
Amy-I guess so! (She and Paul walk off with linked arms Stage left)
Richard-I can’t believe she actually believed the rumor we started about Paul liking Amy! And then she like totally flipped out on you! Classic! (Claps his hands and is laughing hysterically)
John-Shut up!
Richard-Sorry!

(END SCENE)

Mauri-Hey Julie…
Julie-Hi. Amy ditched me to go out with that loser Paul!
Mauri-Someone found out that Debbie was on the cheering squad and she like flipped out on me!
Julie-Oh…where is she now?
Mauri-She locked herself in her room. She is not coming to school today just to be embarrassed.
Peter- (he runs on stage left) Guys…Debbie…she…
Julie-locked herself in her room.
Mauri-we know!
Peter-No, she is dead.
Mauri-No…no…DEBBIE!!!…My best friend…no!! How could I let this happen to her? I’m such an ass-hole! How can I be so selfish by telling everyone her secret? I don’t even remember where or when I told anyone! I’m such a bitch!
Julie-Actually, I found out and told Amy, so we could get back at you for back sassing us on Monday. I know I’m a whore. You don’t have to remind me.
Mauri-It’s not about you. It’s about me. She trusted me. She believed in me to help with her problems. Now, my life is over. She was the only person I could talk too.
Julie-Well, now you have me.
Peter-And me!

(The three embrace as the curtain closes).


THE END